The Other Night

Being out on water with moon-less skies arcing out endlessly overhead:

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty 

The depth of space on multiple sides of me; suspended if you will, amidst lights both real & reflected. 

I want always to be moved by this expanse, this devestatingly vast star-flung darkness that I am ever so fond of, no matter the season. 

Season of Solid Gold

Summer is for foodies, of this I am sure. 

It's all

Berries picked sun-warm along the road; along the tracks 

Staining fingers

But who cares because

Sweetness 

Veg fresh from the plants still smelling of soil & growth 

tasting their fullest from

Farm-to-Table:

my table

Food truck smells & sounds 

Inhale, Salivate, Repeat

feeding not only the body but the senses

Soul food fo' sho'

Sweat drying on the back of the neck from the breeze you hoped would come soon

Knowing that water will never taste 

So good

As right now 

Meat, beets, corn, fish

anything you find

Tasting of the grill you threw it on

Just minutes ago

While your neighbor does the same

Swapping smells and recipes

Woodfire, crack - pop - glow

Of coals

Roasting 

Heated sugar swells & smears over

Chocolate 

No one minding if you ask for more 

Tangible tasting of a season we pass through

At just the right pace

Refined into value & memories:

If we eat it well. 

It has Been Needed

And then, just past 9pm, the lightning & the wind bore fruit of rain. Sighs of relief all around. 

I think I will forever have a love affair with the rain. The way I long for it from afar & love the sound of its voice on the roof, the pavement, the windowpanes. 

I even love the smell of it. 

You can dance with rain, we all know that. And the need for this liquid life runs deep to our roots. 

I realize the power & pain that an overdose of inches can cause, yet even in that lies analogy abundant & recognition of contrast. I'm still thankful. 

Rightly So

Out in the holiness of a creation that I much admire, I am moved. 

Not merely along a trail marked by white blazes, but to tears - out of a heart filled to overflow with exponential admiration of Creator God. It is by Him that I am invited to notice the small, simple & praiseworthy. 

Unfurling plant life at every turn; 

Cooling breezes through the saddle between mountain knobs;

Light! At beginning & end of day most poignantly. 

And too, I notice that I am more at rest with myself. My momentum may carry me forward, yet my mind is steadily slowing in it's unwind. 

I am thankful for the chance to walk again among the trees & lay my head down tired of a different sort. 

Miracles

A month from today is a birthday. 

Mine. 

We could call it "double 3s" or "my Jesus year", yet really & truly it is simply another milestone on this trail. A chance to reflect & remember the distance already come. 

To readjust & check the map perhaps, knowing there are miles to come & wanting to see them as gift. 

I'm already walking in the gift of a mystery: mostly contented heart mixed with hunger for more. So thankful for the Spirit at work to catch & convict; comfort & calibrate. 

It's 2015. So seemingly far from the days of time capsules & diary entries. Yet here in the reality of one-day-at-a-time & so-much-yet-to-do, I weigh the worth of time spent & cannot find it lacking. Every year has been a grace; a movement of miracle in the patience He's had with me. 

#snowcamp: thoughts from a weekend

Can I tell you about what He does when I'm not even looking? 

He tosses opportunity in my lap. I end up in a van on the way to the single digit temps of Vermont for a weekend of:

-Incredible winter beauty & snow covered hillsides perfect for sliding down day or night. 

-12 year old girls & their thirst for answers as they push back about truth with their 5,347,178 questions. Hands raised high, of course. Lord, help us. And He does. 

-The gift of laughter, unexpected energy, new friends. Chance after chance to tell who & what & how God makes His mark on my life, in the world; EVERYWHERE. 

When I'm alert & looking, God is at work in heart, mind & the motions of these days. And when spontaneity beckons, catching me off gaurd with the invite; I need not dally long in diliberation. A willingness to be spent for the Kingdom in small, sudden ways that make me draw my breath in quick. 

He's at work there too. Love that. 

Saying Yes

As it has been explained to me, the custom of betrothal involved more than a dry-mouthed permission-asking of a nervous Jewish bachelor.

There was a process, a pattern, a give-and-take of understanding that brought about a relationship. A girl's father didn't just hand her over to the highest bidding eligible fellow. She could show her approval in the offering of a drink; a winsome smile in the presence of her family. This, at its best & intentioned purpose, was not an arranged marriage but instead a planned one. 

If we would believe, as I most assuredly do, that this thing called marriage [& even the process of getting there] is reflective allegory of the wooing & relationship of a Savior & His Church, well then, we have much to take seriously; much to rejoice! 

Christ has called upon us with his proposal, paid our bride price, prepares & builds for us a place to be with Him.

He proves trustworthy & sacrificial; loving beyond himself & confident of his choice. 

So my mouth to this communion juice is a picking up of the cup & saying yes to a covenant of betrothal with a Promised Groom who far exceeds any I would become attracted or attached to on this earth. A yes that I will not regret. A covenant I have been created to enter into. 

#JestnotJesting

A friend said in sarcastic jest today "My singleness is valuable for the Kingdom" 

And I looked right at him and said it aloud twice: that yes, yes it is. No joke. I believe that for him like I believe that for me. 

Because it's true. 

Because in the equation of Christ solving the sum of our sins with His sacrifice & adopting grace being our Kingdom multiplier, singleness doesn't equal alone or invalid or unequal. It's full & rich & you-better-believe-it's needed. 

I'm not going to quote the apostle Paul on this, nor regale you with impacting stories of radical individuals - no, I think I need to come at it from a different angle. One that is personal & valid because Jesus has me living it every day He is gifting me right now. 

I'm in a family for a purpose. I get to trial & error all kinds of emotions & responses on these people called siblings & parents; nephews & grandparents, etc, etc - for a reason. And the actuality isn't so that I get practice for life yet to come; days of meal planning & babies & story time at the library. That life that may not be for me. 

The full-out reality of family - individuals  together by Grace & Gospel need is in the bringing God Glory. Right now. Period. 

Wee Hours

I'm like a child who rises so early because of the wanting. The anticipation. Only I have not risen early, but rather stayed up until these wee morning hours. 

Because I too am wanting, 

Wanting it to be special & different than before; anticipating the joy of giving, the being together

so: 

Slow, delicious food is prepared & 

Pretty, just-so decorations are placed about. The reason for celebrating is unpacked in my heart & mind. Jesus. 

All the parts unfolded as I remember why He came. How He planned it this way. 

She reminds me earlier today

"He didn't just save us for heaven"

There is also the hope for here, so let's not let this time go by too quickly or too lazy - make the most of today. Whatever you are given, whoever is brought to mind or door. He is with us, Immanuel. 

It makes all the wanting & anticipation make sense. 

Warmed

Winter is totes here. Totes. 

The sun is the only thing warm today. 

Ok, maybe my space heater too. 

Oh, and definitely my heart. 

In the task of collecting the photo of several older members of our church for the photo directory, I spent the first half of my day putting into practice what I so want to see happening in my church, community, world & my own heart. 

Being present. 

These older women, all of them widowed & leading much slower lives than they once had, were a restorer of energy for me today. Bringers of hope. 

Because they wanted me there. They were so thrilled I came, They had things to ask & things to say & they looked right at me the whole time. 

Maybe, after all, it's selfish or needy to say that this warned my insides & blessed me as much as them. 

Yet really, if I'm all needy & wanting that kind of presence with people, so be it. 

Christ has us in community with one another for reasons such as these. 

Sabor!

New favorite alert!! - blue streak of swearing, yeah sure - but MAN. 

A movie with so much foodie eye candy flashing before the eyes it makes me salivate. And mmhh - the music! 

I have long been drawn to things with flavor & this story holds fun, lighthearted inspiration that gospels me to hope. 

Not a hope in good food, music that grows a smile or family restoration but it rolls on beyond that to a  Source that outlasts all that & pushes out the edges of the here & now.  No matter the circumstances, there is a foundation to build on & praise to be given through tears or giggles or daily routine.

I look to Him. 

He's there. 

Bigger than me

I spent some time this evening on a walk back through memories. 

It wasn't a lane per se as much as it was akin to climbing in a time traveling box & rewinding, fast forwarding, rewinding to a different point on the trajectory & repeating that several times. 

It helps me to remember the bigger picture. Not just about me - the people I've known, the places & conversations & growth. But the fact that a lot happens in the scope of years, and almost every single but has been worthwhile. 

I'm not really referring to nostalgia here. More like a scope of perspective that helps give perspective & fortify as I grapple with both the comedy & tragedy of the present tense.

The words of Scripture & Rich Mullins come again to the forefront & I hum along with the tune inside my head & heart:

In this world you will have troubles

But I leave you my peace

That where I am there you may also be

That reward of His peace & His presence can be my reward Right Now. 

When I remember as I look back at all He has done & the faithfulness evidenced there. Thankfulness wells up & I sigh deeply from a more trusting frame of mind. He sees so much bigger than me. 

Shifting About

The moon is low, low

Low

And the words in this season come slow

Enough for me to savor

What it means to have the wild geese fly

In the most attractive form 

I encounter them:

High overhead in their lopsided V

I look up at their cry. 

The same slow meaning is present when the quickening of wind causes leaves to dance, dance

Dance

Over the road I drive to my sister's. 

Where my young nephew lives 

yet unaware 

of the full meaning of this season

He'll have to stay a few more winters to 

Fully trust that this season

Of change, change

Change

And dying

And lengthening cold

Means we will again experience 

Life and warmth

And moments like these

The shifting of seasons. 

Praise the Lord. 

Four letter word

Today I feel so single. 

And my problem with feeling that way has less to do with the tangible fact, but moreso the negative emotion that comes tied to the tone of how I just said that. 

I don't want singleness to be a dirty word, but rather the good & purposeful gift of my Redeemer that it is. 

My view of walking out life as a single needs to be consistently brought back into focus; fixed again on True North; righted after being knocked upside-down & backwards. 

First: it helps so much to remember that I am not Alone. This is multi faceted. 

I not only have Holy Spirit presence and ability to come before the Throne of Almighty Grace at any time - I also have a community of family and friends that spans continents. And let's not forget the myriad in those circles of care, love & laughter that are single right along with me, in varying ages & walks of life. 

When I sit down with them, I see so much opportunity for learning & encouraging across the board. 

Second: I reach a near-scolding tone with myself as I reiterate truths I have already heard and had affirmed the more I hear real life stories from real people who love The Lord; As I read more of the Word & seek understanding from it, about it, through it. There is bigger picture stuff here people, and I dare not miss it because I am so focused on what I see as best for me. It must be remembered that I have limited vision & choose trust in  the One with Wider Perspective. 

And Third: I must remember Love. I am complete in it, because if it. It's a higher, deeper, vaster thing than I am capable of understanding. It's so often miscommunicated, misunderstood, mis-defined. 

Without Jesus. 

Who is

Love. 

My four letter word. 

Far from Foolish

Hanging the laundry to dry in a fresh, new morning. 

The literal laundry; the figurative laundry. 

I forget that the simple tasks of day to day call me to an understanding of greater Truth. That is, when I don't turn away my eyes all gunked up by self-concern. 

This laundry; this heart & soul of me:

It's not dirty anymore, no - the washing has happened (thank sweet Jesus) and it just needs to be aired by the breeze of the Spirit, warmed by the Sun on it's trail from rise to set. 

I try to launder myself you know. Trying, thinking I can get better, do better, be better if I work harder. It's leading to frustration. It's stressing me out. 

Because even as the words come out of my mouth, even as the thoughts come into my head, I see how foolish I am to think that I can do this. For starters, the work is already done. That one phrase catches me during worship last Sunday. 

"It is finished, He has done it.." 

And He knows. 

In every misstep, every foolish word, every dumb choice He already knows the why & the what & the next thing needed. I am hemmed in and it comforts me, I am well-known yet loved still & it feels like a wound in me. I am an unworthy candidate for Christ-like or Brand New. He undoes my foolish acts with such mercy as I come broken. What feels like hurting becomes healing. Tears dried, deep breath taken. 

I hear the words of reassurance & peace mom spoke over me today carry truth into my striving:

You are far from foolish. 

Measured Fullness

And I am still up, with my brain always full as is my heart - par for the course every time I anticipate a "last day". 

Maybe it's too much of my escape from reality, or I am enamored with small town charm. Maybe these people just come in unannounced and so sneaky & leave beautiful presents on the doorstep of my heart; already so fully living, yet needing more of the alive of Spirit's grace that they bring.  Do you know what I mean when I tell you this? 

I may be tired, but these tears of Full Measure come in all sincerity from a heart that doesn't understand. 

Just one that receives the gift. 

This Small Significant Moment

I love this moment. 

I love that we just ate dinner outside on a beautiful August evening;

That my nephew is shirtless as he helps us water the garden;

That I've spent all day in the same cut offs and tank top with my hair in a messy bun. 

That there is provision in this moment;

That we can look back and see God's magificiant grace; that tomorrow when this moment had passed, there will be fresh mercy for moments to come. 

ReFocus

This week. 

Different & among friends. 

Quality time with a favorite small fry. 

Work to be done, sure - yet rest to be had right here at hand. 

In that hour before she wakes, in lingering over breakfast;

When we get outside in the forested surround or take a dip in the pool. 

The nights spent over games, in worship and prayer. 

With or without the hammock strung between trees, I still have rest here in familiar & friends & a role to play in the week. 

Jesus meets me as He always has  - in the midst of where I am; where I believe He has called me. In the walking out obediently step by step. Week by week; task by task. I so often feel inadequate and so far behind, yet I am reminded that He is Faithful & by looking more at Him than myself, I'll gain back that perspective which I so desperately need. 

Perspective that pulls the focus back to where it Always Belongs. 

Glowy

The light gets dim and glowy. Yes,auto correct, I mean glowy. I love me some glowy. 

Golden Hour glow, just-before-a-crazy storm glowiness, glow-in-the-dark, firefly glow for just a second; all the uses of dramatic light coming from angles & spaces to surprise or re-create or show forth.  

Light is not just a medium I work with, 

it's a gift. 

Not For You

Dear Beautiful Bride & Dashing Groom:

As I meet with you months before in preparation & planning for a grand party; as we exchange questions & stories as well as some laughter, I see that you are asking me to do something important for you. 

As I walk through "your" day in celebration & glad witness I see that you trust me to capture those moments to help you remember the joy for years to come.

I think there might be a misunderstanding. 

I don't want to lie to you. But-

I don't take your wedding pictures for you. 

At least, not only for you. 

As I get up and go each day that the camera is carried in my hands, I face fears. The thought that I may come up short against the expectations that are held. Of course, I am hardest on myself. 

I need to face that. It's part of the bigger picture purpose I see in my work/ministry through photo taking these days. Jesus wants my roots of identity driven deep, deep in Him and so I must face the ugly truths & redeem the untruths. So, honestly, I take your wedding pictures for me. 

And too, I see the glory of covenant. It's an entire other blog post. I want to keep myself up against that visually; audibly. I need to remember the sobriety & joy involved in the picture if Christ's gracious, willing covenant with us. With me. 

As a single person, I must recognize that I too, live out covenant. I have said yes to an incredible betrothal. I take those photos for Jesus, as demonstration that I will continue to pay attention to His promises. 

Mr & Mrs, I don't take these photos for you. 

Act & Ask

There are some phrases written in the front of my Bible. Ones that are written in pen for a reason 

I go back to this one often:

"Act in the faith that you have, Ask for the faith that you don't have"

I can remember the place, the person that said it; the imprints of challenge & comfort the hearing of such a Truth placed simultaneously on my heart. 

I repeatedly feel like that father in Mark 9 who was skeptical yet bold in sequential breaths. Doubtful yet desperate. 

"If you can..." 

"I believe! Help my unbelief!" 

Jesus is always Good even when He is paring away the layers of ridiculous unbelief. He is long suffering & faithful to be with us. 

O Lord I believe. 

Thankfully He keeps helping with every ounce of unbelief that rises. 

Looking Forward Yet being Right Here

I don't know that what I have to say today is as profound as the title of this blog entry may imply. I'm in a season if doing what needs doing. The doing I have said I would do; even some things I just told myself I would like done. And it's laced liberally with joy - plus lots if thoughts on covenant (it IS wedding season after all!) which will no doubt be a post once I have a long enough rest to gather my thoughts from notepaper & car drives,etc. Meanwhile, here's a link to one of the teachings that has inspired me most recently. I've listened to it over & over. 

http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/covenant-relationship

Part of looking ahead is using the phrase "after" this, that or the other twelve dozen things. I try to limit myself from saying that aloud too much so as not to come across as rushing through. I consistently want (and need) to be present in each task; each day anew. Yet of course the inkling of plans are already dreamed up. 

Of getting myself out on water on a Northern river she lives beside. Of a hammock strung up between whatever trees I find that do the job for some serious hours of reading & napping.

Of settling my pack on my shoulders once again & loving the way the trail passes underfoot. Sitting calmed by a campfire's crackle & the sound of the late summer cicadas. These are the Looked For moments, that Lord willing, I will find myself in. Not quite yet, but soon enough. 

Peace is Mine

I am amazed by peace today. Amazed & so thankful. So I write it out in several places: the paper pages of the journal, an email to a friend, and here on the shout into the void of the interwebs

about how a quiet house may bring about a different kind of productive than originally planned & it's okay. 

about how there is always the choice to delight in the simple, hugely glorious things like sweet red berries, a nephew to hug, family around at a table of shared food. 

about how I always want to turn and cling to The Lord, truly trusting that He not only has something to come that is "more than I ask or imagine" 

But that He is more. 

And I can't even imagine. 

Beauteous All Thru

I'm noticing my foot-tracks through the dew in the early mornings. Leaving my trail out through the grass & into the light that is so glorious this time of year because it is with us longer & that drama at beginning & end of the day is just begging to be valued, photographed, commented on& straight up reveled in. 

This noticing rolls up into praise without the effort it seems to take in the dreary times. We are being gifted some incredible spring days. Remarkable really. 

And so here I leave my remarking:

Whether today brings a wedding or a wash day, look at it. Just look at it.  

It's a beaut. 

Get Up

 

 

I don't want to just be someone who delights in the Lord later, when things may go better, there is less stress, less to do, more certainty, more sleep or more affirmation. I need to choose to delight & depend  Every.Moment.
Peaceful or not, busy or not, money in my pocket or not, weak or strong, right or wrong, makeup on or off.

Because: The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I read Nehemiah 8 again & realize that's where my heart has been the past number of days. Since Sunday nearly 2 weeks ago actually - I have been like the people of Israel who heard that Law-Word of the Lord read aloud & explained. 

I have been weeping as they wept.
Weeping at times in worship, yes, but weeping because I have felt the heavy in my own matter; in my own being that  broken-down neediness for the Holy Lord.

Weeping because I don't always follow His ways well at all. 

Like the people of God were called - so too, am I: 

It's time to get up and calm the weeping.
Time to eat of His feast of joy & share it with others.

Un-wasting Time

Life is in a season of taking it one moment at a time. How else would I not be overwhelmed? 

Today: In the midst of so much busy & plenty to do, choosing to walk the two miles to the next town over for an afternoon mtg. @ the only local coffee shop. It's a Saturday and it's a day of sun & warmer spring temps. 

Loving the people out on such a glorious day.  In their yards working, grilling, walking. Talking with neighbors; goofing off with their kids or neighbor kids shouting to each other; riding their bikes. I see and smell and smile. The awakening of community. 

I'm soaking in this choice instead of feeling it is wasted time. 

How can it be wasted if I am noticing such Goodness around me? How can it be wasted if I choose not to waste it? 

Manna for Today

 
Out in the wilderness He provided for them in right measure.
All they needed & it was sweet to taste. Filling. Enough each day.

He said don't take more than what is needed for each day,
if you do (because He knew they would) it will spoil.

I am like those Israelites. Greedy for more than I need.
Wanting more of what looks so good right.now.
But as The Lord provided for them in ways beyond their understanding,
He provides for me.
The patience & the pressing in
to delight in Him as Source & Sustanance.

May the fear & self-preservation that so often drives decisions, affections & lifestyle
not be what I gather up for each day.
Our motivation is to please the Lord as we submit our will to His.
Willingly. With trust.
Why do we trust Him?
Because He loves us.
He
Loves
Us.
This is my manna, this is my daily bread.


But you are A CHOSEN RACE, A royal PRIESTHOOD, A HOLY NATION, A PEOPLE FOR God’s OWN POSSESSION, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;for you once were NOT A PEOPLE, but now you are THE PEOPLE OF GOD; you had NOT RECEIVED MERCY, but now you have RECEIVED MERCY. 
1 Peter 2:9-10