Left Wanting

In the midst of a low grade fever as we drove away from the conference through Dallas traffic I had that thought: the one that is completely peaceful about leaving a good thing yet tied up so desperately with wanting to just stay.

It has a lot to do with my wants.

I don't want to walk away from such enriching time spent in worship & the Word without actually being enriched. Without the revealing of God that I came right up to the edge of, changing me in some big way. I told her this morning, that I felt like a sponge that can't hold anymore, yet there's more to be had. I could listen to each of those men speak again & again those same words from the Word & their heart after Jesus.

I don't want to be so fully restful & so fully pierced without understanding that I have to let it change my life. I wrestle with not doing enough, yet truly what it might be
is a fringe recognition of my self not wanting to be disciplined enough to Learn.
Not wanting:

To be a bold speaker of Truth while allowing my sin & weakness to be plain as the nose on my face so that God gets Glory for any particle of good that others find in me.

Not wanting:
To have such a lasting impression of my own sin & need of Christ's righteousness that it changes me & humbles me; eliciting a hunger in me that makes those without it uncomfortable.

Not wanting:
To see inspiring hope, joy & peace where there is suffering, real suffering that you can't fix or walk away from and you don't want to really,  because you know it'll be so. good. In the End.  

But you see, don't you? That's what I want.